This second night of Firgunor, the Temple of Adonai glowed with hundreds of newly lit candles. Vaulted ceilings hung dark and silent above as the flame passed to the last wick.
Starsha's candle flickered, but it never threatened to die. Rona, her lady-in-waiting, sat beside her, attention on the man standing at the front of the room, leading tonight's vigil—Raymond Talan, Masterson's father, who looked younger than his seventy years.
"Tonight, we again take a moment to remember those close to us—whether they be in our presence or have passed from this life into the next. Let us commemorate the love we have for them in silence." Raymond Talan bowed his head, lit candle in hand. His steady breaths made the flame dance.
Starsha bowed her head along with the rest of those gathered. Last night she'd uttered her husband's name and spend the rest of the night wishing he were with her instead of fighting Augustus Bemlayze's* forces off-world.
Before the moment of silence concluded, a whimper escalating into crying broke it, and eyes all over the temple fixed on Starsha and her two-month-old son.
"My lady, I can take him," whispered her lady-in-waiting.
Starsha almost dropped her candle as she raised it to block the young woman's attempt to take the baby. "No." It came out harsher than she'd intended. "It'll be all right." She said this more softly as she swayed to soothe the infant, and his crying eased, then stopped.
To his credit, Raymond didn't acknowledge the interruption. "Speak the name of one you love."
All present whispered the name of the person they'd chosen to remember for tonight's vigil.
Starsha reached for the name she ached to say—the name of her son's brother—the child she'd held only once, the day he was born. By then, he's been with Adonai for some time.
The first syllable formed on her tongue, but she couldn't force out the rest. Instead, she whispered another name, "Astra of Iscandar." The sister who'd given her life to save Erats from destruction replaced the piercing memories of her still-born baby boy.
As the room quieted, Raymond for first to mount his candle in a sconce at the front. Following his lead, everyone in the room filed to the front one row at a time and placed their candles, forming two interwoven circles of light.
When everyone had returned to their seats, Raymond bestowed the night's blessing. "These circles of light represent our lives and how they influence one another. Tonight, we celebrate those we love, blessed by the flame of Yeshua Mashiach's love for us."
Many gathered stirred at the mention of Yeshua as most in attendance didn't claim faith in Him, but no one protested publicly as all respected the retired admiral's service, though they didn't share his religious views.
"I wish you all a joyous week." Raymond gave the gathered masses a bow to dismiss the meeting.
Attendees dispersed into groups. Some headed home with family to spend the evening eating a late meal or singing together. Children danced outside as a young man—likely a sibling or other relative—played a five-stringed nayginoth. Others talked of planned festivities for the rest of the week.
Rona and Starsha's personal bodyguard saw her from the temple to the palace, where Starsha dismissed the guard before ascending the stairs to the second level and heading for the gently sloped ramp that wound upward.
"My lady, the elevator would be much less taxing—"
"Thank you, Rona, but I'd rather walk. I need to… stay occupied. Please, take the rest of the week and go see your family. I'm sure they miss you."
Rona kept pace with Starsha. "My four sisters are at my father's house here in the capital for the holiday, but… my duty is to you, my lady."
"I insist. Please, go see them."
"But you will be alone, my lady. With the general unrest in the city, emperor gone to fight, and many of the palace staff already absent for Firgunor or gone with soldiers—"
Starsha cradled her son. "I will not be alone. Now go. And I don't expect you back until week's end."
"But that is too long. I will go tonight and be back tomorrow."
"No, you won't." Starsha took Rona's hand and gave it a grateful squeeze. "You have been at my side since I returned from the battlefront six weeks ago. You have neither rested nor taken time for yourself. You've earned a few days with your family. You've been a tremendous help. I have friends in the palace. You needn't worry for me."
Rona nodded, but it was reluctant. "All right. I'll go. But I'll be back the instant Firgunor is over."
"All right."
"I'll leave as soon as I've seen you to your suite."
"No, now go pack your things. If you wait on me, you'll be another half hour leaving."
Rona hesitated.
"Go on." Starsha forced a smile.
"All right." Rona bowed to Starsha. "Thank you, my lady. Please…" she looked from the baby to Starsha, "be well."
"I'll be fine." She shooed the young woman toward the nearest elevator, and Rona finally went.
When she was alone with her son, Starsha began the slow climb to her and her husband's quarters. She'd taken this route as often as possible since returning to Galmania. The walk lulled her son to sleep.
As she wound higher, it became more evident people outside were celebrating. Two street artists constructed a mural depicting a family gathered around lit candles. Life infused the piece, and Starsha stopped to watch as the artists put finishing touches on the work and moved on to another site.
Her son woke and squalled until she held him up so he could see the colors outside.
"I wish that were us," she whispered, referring to the finished painting. "And I wish…" Tears stole down her cheeks as she yearned for one thing—her other son safely in the crook of her arm across from his brother.
The baby whimpered, and Starsha settled him into her arm before laying a hand on the cold glass separating her from the joyful world below.
Overhead, four ships descended to the docks beside the palace. Each ship sported damage, some bad enough to cause listing. Two were Galman battle cruisers, and the other two were… EDF ships. One of the Eratite vessels seemed familiar.
She fished out her comm and pointed it at the familiar ship.
U.N.C.F. Haruna.
Derek Wildstar's ship.
She pocketed the comm and hurried down to the docks.
Starsha reached the docks just as personnel began to disembark from all four damaged ships and repair crews swarmed them. She held her son close to keep the winter cold from disturbing him.
Flurries of snow fell from above, let through the city's enviroshield upon allowing the ships to dock. In a few minutes the city would be warm and snow free again, though she often wished the snow and rain would fall unhindered on the capital as it did most other places on the planet, but she understood the need for the added protection. Without it, Bolars or insurgent groups would have leveled it long ago, and the galactic collision four years ago would have done far more damage.
Men and women of varying ethnicities left the Galman ships and headed for temporary housing beneath the docks, where they would stay until repairs were done or they were reassigned. By the look of these vessels, repairs would take weeks. Their crews would be split up and sent to supplement others who were under-manned due to injuries and fatalities.
The EDF ships seemed better off and would be repaired and re-crewed before heading back to the front.
Haruna's crew disembarked.
Officers and enlisted alike came down the boarding ramp in a loosely ordered mass, bags in hand, ready to stay planet-side for a few nights while their ship was repaired. Most followed the Galman crews toward the temp housing, but a few took shuttles into the city to take advantage of their impromptu shore leave.
As the last of the crew trickled from the ship, Starsha's heart sank. Derek wasn't aboard. As a captain, he'd probably transferred to a ship in need before Haruna returned to Galmania.
She turned to go back to the palace.
"Starsha? Is that you?"
Joy sparked a genuine smile as she faced her old friend.
The moment he saw the baby, Derek's face lit. "Didn't think I'd get to see this little guy for a few years yet. Nova's gonna demand pictures." Despite his captain's coat, he rubbed his arms against the cold.
"Let's get inside," Starsha said. "How is Nova? We haven't spoken in several weeks."
"You know she had David about two months ago. He's a handful—just like Hitomi was."
"How old is Hitomi now?"
"She's four. Going on forty." Derek chuckled as he and Starsha stepped into the palace's comfortable warmth. "When I left Earth this time, she stopped me and said, 'Daddy, I know you're gonna miss Christmas this year, so you be good while you're gone, and maybe I'll have a present for you when you get back.' I'll walk you upstairs." He headed for the elevator.
Starsha followed. "Christmas? Nova's mentioned that before. Your winter holiday?"
They stepped inside the elevator.
"One of them. There are others. Homer and his family celebrate Christmas and Hanukkah."
"Hanukkah… Dedication?"
Derek nodded. "Some people call it the Festival of Lights."
"Ah, then Firgunor has similarities. On Iscandar, we celebrated Choref Shemesh, which also shares an emphasis on light. We who followed Yeshua used it as a time to celebrate what you call the Light of the World."
"We do the same thing at Christmas—well, some of us do. Many think of it as family-focused time or concentrate on giving and receiving gifts. Not that there's anything wrong with either of those, but for me and my family and lots of other families on Earth, it's about remembering when Jesus was born."
"I've read of the events countless times," Starsha said. "The poor shepherds terrified of the angels, Yosef and Miraim turned away until one inn keeper allowed them into his livestock shelter. To be so far from home—from comfort or help when Miraim delivered—I understand too well. The fear, the anticipation, the doubt, the hope—it consumes until you hold that little one. And then love masks pain and exhaustion as you see him for the first time." Memories of her firstborn darkened her heart, and the touch of his lifeless body and forever closed eyes threatened to make her weep.
"Five days 'til Christmas, and I haven't even been able to send Nova and the kids a message. At least now I can let them know I'm okay."
Starsha pushed away her sorrow. "I would be interested to celebrate your holiday with you and your family someday." Starsha brushed a wisp of red hair out of her son's face as he slept. "If you are still here tomorrow night, would you join me for our third Firgunor vigil?"
"I'm not sure how long it'll take for Haruna to get repaired. Depending on what's wrong with her, it could take a few hours, or a few days, but if I'm planet-side, I'd love to come."
"I'd be glad to have you with me."
They stepped off the elevator and ascended to the guest suite where Derek, Nova, and Hitomi stayed during their last visit almost four years ago.
"The room had been prepared for you." She gestured to the closed door. "It would be our honor to host you here with us during your stay."
Her son woke again and fussed.
"He doesn't like the halls. Thankfully he usually sleeps while I walk."
"Come in for a minute then." Derek opened the suite door. "I've still for to get pictures for Nova, anyway."
Starsha followed him inside.
Derek sank onto the nearest couch. "I forgot how great the furniture is here. I miss my chair at home, but nothing beats this." He sighed and leaned into the couch, eyes shut.
"I'm glad you like it."
"It's always great to be here. I just wish it weren't under the current circumstances. War is never a good reason to be anywhere." He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, head down. When he looked up, his eyes clouded. "How are you doing? After…" His eyes flicked to her infant son and back to her.
She sat beside him. "It…" Once the first tear fell, they kept coming.
Derek handed her a handkerchief, and she covered her face to hide messy grief until Derek's hand on her shoulder gave her enough courage to look up.
"Nova and I felt the same way last year when we lost our little girl three months along. It was the hardest thing we've ever been through. I can't imagine what it was like to carry to term only to find out…" He hauled in a shaky breath. "I'm so sorry."
Starsha dabbed her face clear. "He is with Adonai."
"That makes it easier in some ways, but just as hard in others."
Starsha took out her comm and handed it to Derek to change the subject. "I'm sure Nova would love to see these. Copy whatever you think she'd like."
Derek accepted the distraction, flipping through sparse images and short videos of Starsha, her husband, and their son.
There hadn't been much time for the luxury of taking pictures over the past two months—or the past two years. There was always something going on that demanded Starsha and her husband's attention. This was the first Firgunor she'd ever been home for, and she hated celebrating alone. She wished for the thousandth time her husband was with her. He'd told her stories of past holidays and how few of them he'd spent with his own family. Most he passed with Masterson and Masterson's parents. She'd hoped that might change, but here they were again, one more holiday he'd spend with Masterson instead of his own family. She was glad he had a friend with him though. If he couldn't be with her, at least he had Masterson.
"These are great!" Derek scrolled through images of her husband dead asleep in one of the chairs in their living area, the baby tucked in the crook of one arm, also out. "Nova's going to love every one of these pictures." He copied at least two thirds of the images before holding out his comm to her. "Fair's fair. You wanna see my pictures of David and Hitomi?"
The prospect of seeing her friends' children was comforting, and she accepted the comm.
She flipped through a collection slightly more well-represented than hers, but clearly their lives had been just as eventful over the past two months. One picture featured Hitomi helping bathe her little brother and splashing water all over Nova. "She's quite spirited your Hitomi." Another image showed the little girl, none too thrilled to be holding the baby, looking at him in disgusted horror, nose held shut. Nova, in the background, held in a laugh.
"Yes, she is. That girl's going to be something else when she grows up."
"May I have these?" Starsha pointed to the images.
"Sure." Derek copied the pictures to her comm. "Just got something in from home." He opened a short message and displayed a picture of Hitomi hiding under an evergreen tree hung with red, blue, and yellow lights and a smattering of colorful glass and metal bulbs. "Nova said Hitomi's trying to scare the cat by hiding in the Christmas tree."
"Did she succeed?"
Derek opened a short video. In it, a bronze tabby kitten approached the tree, sniffing at the boughs as if an alien had moved into the house. Just when the cat was most engrossed in its examination, Hitomi burst from under the tree, sending the kitten four feet in the air as the little girl howled with laughter. "Poor thing's gonna be bald by the time he's two." Derek chuckled as he closed the message, but longing settled in his face. "I wish we could be together right now."
Starsha nodded. "I wish that too." She checked the time. "I must get back—get Rhevi to bed."
"I thought he was named after his dad."
"He is, but I can't go around calling them both by the same name. He's the fourth of his name, so we decided on a version of the number four as a nickname."
"Nova wanted to name David after me, but I told her I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life wondering which of us was in trouble." He chuckled. "I suppose I'll see you tomorrow night as long as Haruna's still in port. Do I need to bring anything?"
"No. There will be candles available in the temple, and with my attendant Rona gone to see her family, there'll be an empty seat. I'll see you here tomorrow an hour after sunset. 7 o'clock by your time, I think."
"Tomorrow at 7," Derek said as she left.
Starsha made it back to her nearby quarters, though her son had fussed the entire way from the guest suite. "I know you hate the halls," she whispered, trying to pacify him again. It was later than he was used to, which didn't help.
She settled the infant into his crib near the bed, but the instant she let him go, the little boy wailed. He'd been inconsolable alone—ever since birth. Since… losing his brother. She'd spent the past eight weeks trying to find something that would get him to sleep. She'd tried warm blankets, a stuffed toy that had been a gift from Derek and Nova. She'd even borrowed Raymond Talan's cat. The animal was happy to curl up with the baby, but her son was less than thrilled. He didn't seem afraid of the animal, only discontent that there wasn't an actual person with him.
She had no idea how her husband had gotten any sleep at all. They had both spent countless hours with the boy, holding him, walking him, doing whatever they could to quiet him. When her husband left for the front again, he insisted she have someone to help her, thus Rona's presence. The young woman had been invaluable since her arrival.
She picked up the little boy again, and when he snuggled into her arm, he quieted.
"You miss him too…" She ran a fingertip over his smooth little cheek. "I'm so sorry, Neshamah sheli*. If I had only known sooner something was wrong, maybe I could have done something."
Her husband's words came back to her. There is no way you could have prevented this. You didn't do anything wrong.
Though she knew he was right, it didn't help.
Once her son slept again, tears dripped from her chin onto his face and rolled onto the blanket wrapped around him, but he didn't stir.
He would only go back to wailing if she tried to make him sleep in the crib again, so she endured intermittent crying while she got ready for bed, and when she slipped under the covers, she settled Rhevi beside her.
Starsha, son in arms, met Derek at 7 o'clock the next night, and they walked to the temple together.
Derek seemed in awe of all the people who crowded into the temple to celebrate Third Vigil.
At the door, a young man handed them both an unlit candle, and Starsha led him to their seats in the first row.
As the service opened, two young women sang a traditional song followed by a reading of the story of how Firgunor began many hundreds of years ago.
After the reading, the man assigned to lead this night's vigil lit his candle from a torch at the head of the room. He began at the other end of Starsha and Derek's row and passed the flame to the man in the last seat.
The flame came to Starsha and Derek, crossed the aisle, and passed backward until every candle was lit.
As the man gave his blessing to the crowd and bid everyone consider whose name they would speak tonight, Starsha reached again for the name of her lost baby, the child who had died while she still carried him. She knew it, had spoken it on the day of his birth, but never since.
She formed both syllables independently, even mouthed the word, but when she was bidden to speak, she just couldn't say it. The name refused to come out.
Instead, she spoke Nova's name the same instant as Derek. He gave her a startled grin as the other end of their row filed forward to place their candles in three interconnected circles.
Derek followed Starsha's lead and placed his candle near hers. When everyone was done, he looked at the finished product in amazement. The wonder in his eyes was genuine, childlike.
When the vigil ended, Derek slipped out his comm. "Is it okay to take a few pictures? I've got to send these to Nova and Hitomi."
"Go ahead. No one will mind."
Derek took a few discreet shots of the flickering candles and the people singing and dancing outside. "You want to take a walk? I think I see somebody outside painting."
Starsha's personal guard scowled.
"Unless that's not a good idea."
She hadn't taken a walk outside the palace since… She couldn't remember when. "I would love to. I've never been to see holiday street art since I was a child. What I saw from the palace yesterday was beautiful." Heedless of her guard's perturbed expression, she walked into the lively streets with Derek.
The main thoroughfare leading from the palace through the center of the city had been cleared of traffic since an hour before sundown to allow for holiday festivities, and in addition to artists, there were street vendors, selling anything and everything Firgunor-related.
"This is amazing!" Derek darted from stall to stall like a ten-year-old, taking pictures the whole time. He broke out his wallet to buy a necklace the vendor claimed was fashioned from real dragon scales. It caught the light beautifully and left a trail of dancing color flashes on the ground. "Little Christmas present for Nova. You think these are actually dragon scales? I don't remember Astragon's* hide looking quite like this."
"Could be. Gamilon had dragons. Perhaps Galmania does too. And I wouldn't compare the scales of a space-faring dragon to a planet-dwelling one. They're bound to be different."
Derek snagged keepsakes for Hitomi and David before he found a food stall and wolfed down a handful of spiced blue and violet fruit wedges. "You have got to try these. They taste like a cross between an orange and a pomegranate but without all the seeds." He presented her one.
She tactfully declined. "I've had them—though I prefer them plain. I'm glad you enjoy them."
Derek finished his container of fruit before returning the empty cup to a recycling station. "That's a beautiful mural." He pointed to the same image she'd seen from the palace last night. In the glow of the vendor stalls and lowered streetlights, the details weren't overly crisp, but it felt like they were standing in the picture. The family depicted each held their own candle and bowed their heads as they stood in a small circle. An older man—probably their grandfather—lifted closed eyes heavenward to speak his blessing on his gathered family.
This closer, the overall image was harder to see, but individual people stood out better. One of the women in the image had her back to the crowded street. Jutting from her arms was the little hand of a happy baby reaching for his mother's face. She smiled down at her little one as she held her lit candle with the other hand.
Starsha's arms felt so empty, despite the presence of Rhevi. Derek's awe at the piece made her wish desperately she could enjoy this as much as he did, but the heavy absence of her first son made that impossible.
Five eternal minutes later, Derek turned from the mural.
Starsha turned to hide her expression, but he caught it.
"I suppose it's getting late. You want to head back?"
She nodded, saying nothing lest she burst into tears in the middle of the street.
In the midst of the holiday revelry, the only person to recognize her had been a street vendor, and she had nodded respectfully but otherwise called no attention. Starsha wasn't surprised. She could count on one hand the number of broadcasts her face appeared in, and she wasn't yet well known on Galmania by sight, though her name was often spoken.
She said nothing as she accompanied Derek back to the palace.
They waded through packed streets, and her personal guard kept his distance to maintain anonymity for them both.
When they'd almost reached the palace steps, someone behind them shouted.
"Empress Starsha!"
She'd learned not to react in a public setting as it made staying unnoticed impossible. She kept walking.
"Empress Starsha of Iscandar!"
This time, the crowd started looking everywhere, trying to identify their empress. There were so many fair-skinned people living on Galmania these days she could walk among them without being recognized.
She changed course, heading for a quiet side street to avoid being seen heading straight for the palace.
Derek, in his EDF uniform, drew little attention since Erats had been sending crews to Galmania for over a month now. He took her cue and went for the side street.
"Empress Starsha!" The call came a third time, accompanied by the swift thud of approaching footsteps.
Where was her guard? He should have intercepted this curiosity seeker by now.
"Empress!" A middle-aged Galman man ran up beside her.
Derek planted himself between her and the stranger. "I think you've gotten us mixed up with someone else," he said in decent Galman.
"Oh, no mistake," the man insisted as a crowd formed around Starsha, Derek, and the stranger. "I saw you with the Emperor on the planet-wide broadcast of the royal wedding. If you could call that circus a wedding. Why are you out here, highness?" The stranger peered around Derek, though he tried to keep the man away. "And why have you brought our prince out here? Don't you have any sense of responsibility? First you leave us for two years in which time you cavorted around the galaxy, only to be abducted and unceremoniously rescued, then you can't even have the decency to birth this son of our great Liberator in a proper setting. What kind of empress are you?"
Red crept up Derek's neck. "This woman has done more for you than you'll ever know. So. Back. Off." He stood to his full height but kept his hand away from his holstered weapon.
"Let's just go," she whispered to him. "Please. I don't want this to escalate any further."
Her guard was still nowhere to be seen.
By now, the crowd had closed in, and curious faces of men, women, and children fastened on Derek, Starsha, and her infant son.
"She's right about that, at least," the stranger spat. "She should go. Leave Galmania. Let the emperor keep his son and find a suitable empress to rule beside him, not some alien pretender from a dead world."
A few in the crowd uttered various levels of agreement as Derek ushered Starsha to the edge of the crows and made a path for her to get away from the belligerent stranger.
"That's right. Crawl away like an ashamed dog."
"Leave her alone!" Derek shot back at the man.
"Or what? You'll shoot me, Eratite? The Emperor once tried to wipe out your pitiful race. I'm not sure why he changed his mind." The man's eyes held twisted glee.
The air sizzled with Derek's rising anger.
"Please don't." Starsha reached for Derek's arm. "He's not worth it."
He ignored her and took a step forward, just out of her reach. "Get out of here," he bellowed at the stranger.
"This is my world, Eratite. It's you who should get out!" The man charged Derek, fists flying.
Derek dodged the first hit, only to meet the second as it collided with his ribs. He grunted but recovered quickly.
Starsha shielded her son from the brawl.
The stranger threw another punch, but this time, Derek hit back. He jabbed in while the man recovered from another miss, then dealt a solid uppercut, throwing him off balance.
The bigger man roared at Derek in anger and rumbled toward him like an angry bear.
Several children in the crowd screamed as the man landed a hit, sending blood running from Derek's mouth and split lower lip.
Derek struck another blow, giving the stranger a purpling bruise on one cheek and two missing teeth.
Shouts from the crowd woke Rhevi, and he wailed at the clamor and screaming.
Faces shot to Starsha and her son, including Derek.
He paid for it by taking a solid right hook, which sent him to the ground.
"Break it up!" Starsha's guard shoved through the circling mob. He had bruises and appeared to be guarding a broken rib, but he didn't hesitate to draw a sidearm and shoo the stranger away with a nasty look and the threat of overnight incarceration, not to mention the charges he would face for harassing the empress, and he tried to haul the man in, but Starsha asked him to let the stranger go.
The crowd broke up, and Starsha's guard escorted her and Derek back to the palace.
Safely inside the guest suite, Starsha dabbed Derek's face with a damp cloth. She'd tried to set Rhevi down, but he cried until she picked him up again.
Derek offered to hold him, but she politely declined. "I'm so sorry about all that. There's been… unrest since before the war started."
"None of that was your fault." Derek winced as she disinfected his split lip. "That guy was awful. He never should have said any of that—especially not about what you went through having Rhevi and… your other son. And I shouldn't have lost my temper."
Starsha concentrated on tending to Derek's face. "He… wasn't completely wrong." She held her baby closer. "I wasn't here when I should have been."
"Nova does this too. You were right where you needed to be. You saved so many lives over the past few years. This planet might not even still be here if it weren't for you."
"I doubt that's true."
"Oh, yes, it is." Derek dug out his comm. "Don't make me send an emergency signal to the emperor's flagship so he can tell you the same thing."
"No. Please don't disturb him. I'm sure he's in the middle of fighting back Augustus' fleets, and if he isn't, he's asleep."
"I know. But if you needed to talk to him, he would forgo sleep or let Masterson take over the ship for a few minutes."
Starsha knew it was true. "I made him go."
Derek seemed puzzled.
"My husband. I made him go with the fleet. They needed him, but he wouldn't leave me here alone with our son, so I insisted he go. He has more important things to see to."
"I know he'd disagree. You and this kid here are the most important people in the universe to him. He would leave the front right now if you said you needed him to."
Starsha sucked in an unsteady breath and whispered, "I know."
"You need him, don't you." It wasn't a question. "Those first six months after we lost our baby girl were the hardest days I've ever faced—tougher than the Gamilon War. When we found out we were having David, we tried so hard not to get our hopes up for the first few months in case we lost him too. But now he's here, and he's perfectly healthy. Nova and me were both wrecks. I wouldn't blame you or that illustrious husband of yours if you were too. This Christmas, what we went through—what you're in the middle of—it makes me wonder how on earth Jesus' mother coped with knowing her son would someday be a sacrifice for all of us—how she didn't break down. I can't imagine having a child only to know they'd been born to die."
Starsha took in another shaky breath and focused on the bruise on Derek's face. She didn't say anything until she was finished.
When she sat on the couch beside Derek, she looked at him in silence for a long time before saying, "I can't even say his name." She held Rhevi close, taking in his warmth as though it might help her through the rising sorrow. "I can't say my own baby's name. Every night when I light that candle, I think of him—of his still face—and I want so much to say his name, but every time I try, I just… I can't."
Derek leaned forward, hands clasped. "I couldn't say Hannah's name for almost a year. Not saying it somehow kept everything from being real."
"How did you—say it?"
"It was six months ago, around early spring, and Nova and I were talking about Christmas travel plans. Hitomi had just turned four, and she heard the word Christmas and immediately assumed we were talking about presents. We were on our way home from a friend's house, and Hitomi piped up from the backseat and said, 'Daddy, for Christmas I want Hannah to know I love her.' I almost lost it. I was really glad Nova was driving. It was that moment I realized my little girl might not be with us, but she was with Jesus, and she was happy and loved and me being sad about her leaving us didn't help anyone, so I looked back at Hitomi and said, 'Hannah knows we all love her.'" Derek's eyes brimmed with tears. "Nova had to stop the car—for her and for me. We must have sat there by the side of the road for fifteen minutes."
Starsha looked down at Rhevi. If he could speak, would he say his brother's name?
"This is our second Christmas since losing her, but we still think about her, and Hitomi likes to tell us stories about what she thinks her little sister is doing in Heaven. Just a couple weeks before I left, she learned a song at church she keeps singing after she talks about Hannah. It's about how much Jesus values those who love Him—especially children. He considers them like precious jewels. The refrain goes,
Like the stars of the morning,
His bright crown adorning,
They shall shine in their beauty,
Bright gems for His crown.*"
As Derek quietly sang, Starsha's heart reached out for the little song, as if it were a lifeline. She'd never thought about what Yeshua would think of her son, but Derek was right. Yeshua had always welcomed children—valued them, even when his own followers shooed them away. Why would He treat her son any differently than he'd treated those little ones?
"Thank you," Starsha said as she got up to go back to her quarters.
"You're welcome." He offered her a smile but winced when his lip stretched too far. "May I come with you tomorrow night for the next vigil?"
"Of course. You're welcome to come all week if you want."
"I'll take you up on that."
The next night at Firgunor's fourth vigil, Starsha stood beside Derek and passed the flame to him.
The moment of silence was far too short, and Starsha reached again for her son's name only to come up short again. Instead, she said her mother's name.
Derek said Hitomi's.
They placed their candles in a different configuration tonight, forming four circles of light that were just as magnificent as the previous night's three. They would add a new circle each night until there were seven on the last night.
As her personal guard escorted her and Derek back to the palace, the conversation of the night before came back to her, and she hummed the tune Derek had sung. She was sure he heard her, but he said nothing.
As they walked back to their suites instead of taking an elevator, they took turns pointing out sights on the street below and all over the city.
The next two days passed with Starsha expecting any moment to hear that Haruna's repairs were done and that Derek would be shipping out, but he joined her at both nights' vigils, and Haruna and her sister ship remained at the docks along with both Galman ships. Likely the holiday had slowed repairs.
Tomorrow would be Derek and Nova's Christmas.
As Starsha lay in bed the night after Sixth Vigil, Rhevi lay beside her. His eyes drooped, but he refused to go to sleep.
The song Derek told her about two nights ago still hadn't left her, so she hummed the tune, and Rhevi seemed content to listen. It lulled him into content sleep, and she soon followed him.
Her dreams that night reiterated the same horrific moment as far too many others—the instant she realized her son was gone. Just after he was born, she barely had time to hold him before Masterson had to take him from her. She understood, but it was the hardest thing she'd ever experienced.
Tonight, her son's still face filled her dreams again, but instead of ending the way they usually did, with her heart shattered, when Masterson took her son from her, a little boy, around six or seven, came beside her and took her hand. He didn't have to tell her who he was. She knew the instant he touched her.
"Amah*, why are you crying?" he said as he tucked his little hand in hers.
Starsha wanted to hide her face from the boy, but she felt compelled her to look down at him.
His inquisitive green eyes and intelligent face reminded her so much of her husband, and she wondered if this was how he looked as a child.
"I miss you," she finally said.
"I miss you too." He squeezed her hand.
Starsha kneeled in front of her lost son and wrapped him in a hug. "I wish you could be with me." Tears rolled down her face and dampened the boy's dark shirt.
He hugged her back. "I know, Amah, but Yeshua says I'll see you one day. You don't have to be sad. Please, don't cry." He buried his face in her red gold hair.
This only made her sob, and she held onto her son—her baby boy—tightly until he let go, but he kept hold of her hands. His eyes were full of joy as he spoke. "I have lots of friends, and I got to meet all your sisters, Sasha, and Astra, and Tatara. Sasha and Astra told me lots of stories about you." He grinned mischievously. "Astra said you looked a lot like her, and she was right." He leaned close and whispered in her ear, "But you're prettier than her."
Starsha choked a laugh.
"I have one friend I spend lots of time with. We go on walks together, and she likes to sing. She's really good at singing. One of my other friends named Isaac wrote a song for her to sing. He writes lots of songs, says he started writing them when he was young and never stopped. My friend, she's like me. She didn't get to meet her amah and abba* before she came to live with Yeshua. But He says they miss her too and can't wait to meet her. She has a big sister and a little brother."
Starsha's heart leapt. "What's your friend's name?"
"Hannah."
She nearly wept again. "Her—her abba and amah are my dear friends."
Her son's eyes brightened. "I'll tell her. She'll be happy they have you as a friend." He turned his head to the side as if listening for something. "Yeshua says I have to go now, Amah." He gave her one last hug.
"Please, stay with me." She clung to her son fiercely.
"I want to, but I have to go. It's okay, Amah. We'll be together again soon. I promise." He had to pry her arms off, but before he turned to go, he laid his child hands on either side of her face and planted a kiss on her forehead, just like his father did at times. "I love you, Amah. Say hello to Abba for me, and tell him his amah tells great stories about him too."
Starsha wanted to take hold of her son again, but it was time for him to leave.
Just as her son turned away, she woke.
Rhevi lay by her side, eyes wide open, looking straight at her. When she met his gaze, he reached out one baby hand toward her face and brushed her nose. He smiled and gave her a bubbly laugh.
Starsha had just finished breakfast when there was a knock at her door.
Rhevi in one arm, she answered, expecting to find one of her husband's council members wanting her support for some new law or perhaps a servant asking if she needed anything.
She did not expect to see Derek Wildstar, uniform freshly pressed and cleaned. "Oh." She stepped to the side. "Please, come in."
Derek stepped inside, captain's hat under one arm. He even had his gloves on.
"You're leaving, aren't you?"
"Tonight at 21:00. I just came from an officers' meeting aboard Haruna and wanted to let you know."
"You could have sent me a message." She tapped her pocketed comm.
"I got another picture in from home this morning. Looks like Nova sent it sometime last week, but it got stuck at a transit point and just now made it out here." He held up a picture of Nova, holding David. She sat in front of the same decorated tree that was in the other picture and video. Hitomi sat in front of Nova holding the kitten from the video. The tabby looked as if he'd just seen an army of striped hippos march through the room and was trying to get out of Hitomi's arms. "I figured you might want a copy of it, and the comm connection at the docks isn't the greatest."
He sent her the image, and she had it instantly.
"I haven't heard much from the front in the past few days."
"It's all right. I'm sure everything's fine." She knew she didn't sound convinced, but her husband had told her long periods with no communication was likely.
"We did get a brief in the meeting this morning that we lost more ships, ten Galman, three EDF. Flagship's been hit a couple times—had five casualties, all enlisted men and women—but she's still going strong and showing no signs of giving out anytime soon. I… thought you might want to know."
Though it was nerve-racking to think about her husband out on the front lines with nothing between him and Bemlayze's wrath except Shaddai's mercy, hearing he was alive helped. "Thank you. It's been wonderful to have you here these past few days. Will you be joining me for the last vigil tonight before you leave?"
"Long as they don't call me back early, I'll be there." He turned to go.
"Derek."
He stopped.
"If you could… tell Hannah something. What would it be?"
Derek didn't even hesitate. "That I love her, and that we're all looking forward to meeting her one day."
"I… think she would say the same to you… if she had opportunity."
"And I know your son would tell you the exact same thing too," said Derek.
Starsha didn't speak as Derek left for fear she would break down again, but as soon as Derek was gone and the door shut, she sank onto the nearest couch and wept, Rhevi in her arms.
The last night of Firgunor fell, and stars shone brightly with the streetlights dimmed. More people than usual came out for the last night of the holiday. Those who hadn't previously had opportunity to come due to work obligations or other duties piled into the temple until it was standing room only for late comers.
As tonight's vigil leader sang a traditional prayer over the torch at the head of the room, many sang with him.
Starsha didn't feel much like singing, and Derek didn't know the words, so they both sat quietly.
The previous night's dream commanded her attention, and she had a hard time concentrating as, per Seventh Vigil tradition, various people in the gathering spoke of things they were thankful for this week. Many mentioned being able to see family again for the first time in years, and others told of the blessings of having new children or grandchildren, or great grandchildren in one woman's case.
Starsha couldn't listen to much of it as she thought back to the face of her son in her dream. He was so like his father.
She looked down at Rhevi. He appeared nearly identical to his older twin, though he had an expanded version of the mark his father and grandmother had. Pale skin covered most of his left hand and reached to his elbow instead of stopping at his wrist.
Rhevi looked into her eyes, and for an instant it was like his brother was staring up at her. So potent was the sense that she pulled in a hard breath, earning Derek's attention.
"Everything okay?" he whispered as a man three rows back told how his daughter had just received a field promotion for bravery in combat.
Starsha nodded to Derek, expecting the sense of a moment ago to dissipate, but it was still there, and as she gazed into her son's eyes, she saw in them a flicker of the son she'd lost.
She laid her unlit candle in her lap and touched Rhevi's cheek with one finger, and he took it in his little mottled fist, never breaking gaze with her.
As the time of thanksgiving ended, and the flame passed through the gathering, Starsha reluctantly broke Rhevi's grip on her finger to light her candle from the wick of the woman seated beside her. She passed the flame to Derek without saying anything, and her eyes returned to Rhevi's. In the dimness, they seemed to hold the same joyous glimmer her lost son had in his last night.
Perhaps he was watching her now, if people in Heaven watched the goings on here in the mortal realm.
If he was looking down from above, what would he say?
She already knew.
Don't cry, Amah. I'll see you soon.
With Rhevi in one arm and her candle in her other hand, she couldn't wipe away her tears, but when the vigil leader bowed his head and said, "Let us all choose the name of one we love—the last name we will speak of in special remembrance this year," she knew the name she would say tonight. After two months of agony and seven days and six nights of tortured attempts to speak it, tonight, it rose in her mind like a great tide.
The leader of the vigil raised his head. "Speak."
Beside Starsha, Derek said Hannah's name, and an instant later, she spoke too, saying the name of her firstborn son for the first time since his birth.
Tonight, he was with Yeshua, a sparkling jewel in the crown of Adonai, a treasured citizen of Shaddai's Realm, her son, her baby boy, the song of her heart.
"Ronen."
Author's Notes:
Written for Christmas 2021.
* Augustus Bemlayze – nephew of Premiere Pretorius Bemlayze of the Bolar Federation
* Neshamah sheli – a term of endearment, literally, “my soul”
* Astragon – more commonly known as “The King of Dreams.” A space-faring dragon
* The song mentioned here is a hymn by William Cushing and Frederick Root called “When He Cometh” or “Jewels”, published in 1856
* Amah – mom/mama
* Abba – dad/daddy